Thursday, December 12, 2002
It's THURSDAY!
I don't have to be back at the Gap until Sunday. I will be mourning the loss of my uncle until that day.
Man, I am a scumbag in it's truest form.
But a scumbag that doesn't have to work!
Every morning when I come in, my boss has to come out, prop himself on my desk and instigate some increasingly stupid bantar about how I must be so tired working two jobs and living the life of a 25 year old. He is rather annoying and if the bitch doesn't leave me alone soon, I swear I am going to blow. How many times can I tell him: "Yes, Teef, I am EXHAUSTED (even when I'm not) and so ready for the weekend." "Oh yes Teef, it's just one more week till Christmas. I know, I can't wait either."
Fucking snore!
Can you just stay in your office and act like a boss? Or at least like a guy who has some sort of work to do?
Next topic...
Paul has been living here for exactly 10 days now. In those 10 days, we have "hooked up" once; the night he got here.
It's starting to worry me a bit.
Yes, I am gone most of the time, at one job or another, but is this really the reason why we aren't physical with eachother?
Over the last week I seem to have developed a horrible body image.
See, while Paul doesn't have the body that I desire, I CERTAINLY do not have the body he desires, and it is becoming increasingly more obvious to me.
He is nice to me and all and it's not like he calls me "blobby" or "fats Mcfats", but at the same time, his body is better than mine and suddenly I am feeling really horrible about the way I look naked. I am sure that I am doing this to myself.
I have a tendency to beat myself up over things that are totally inconsequential.
I don't know.
Either way, I feel shitty about the stomach, ass, and thighs issue.
Why don't I just grow a fucking vagina already?
I think it may be time for me to really start eating a bit healthier. Smaller portions, less grease, not late at night, etc.
I am 25 years old and I am tired of having a blah body. I want to have a hot body. I want to feel healthy and feel confident when I take my shirt off. These are things that everyone probably wants, but it's time for me to stop my complaining and just take care of it. Then maybe if I do, Paul will start to build up his bod a bit.
At least one can hope.
If not, I will body slam him.
Cuz by then I will be big and buff.
So I wonder why Paul and I haven't been affectionate. Last night the reason was because I was a fat ass.
Two days ago it was because he just didn't like me anymore.
Tomorrow it will probably be because I have black shoes with buckles on.
As I was falling asleep last night, I was thinking about how many guys I have hooked up with.
As we all know, I am a virgin when it comes to the anal penetration, but dick sucking...yikes.
I counted 8 different guys. There was one more guy, but I just played with his cock and balls a bit. :)
I keep saying that I don't want to commit to Paul completely because I need to experience other guys.
But really? Aren't 8 dicks in my mouth enough? Isn't it time for me to TRY to block out all of my other sexual conquests?
I am confused. When you are in love, are you to never have other thoughts?
No, that's foolish.
Of course you have other thoughts.
But should you go looking and pursuing these other thoughts?
Cuz I do and usually on a daily basis.
When is it all going to click?
On Tuesday night, when Paul and I were having our "serious talks", one of the biggest topics we discussed was our fear of this relationship not working out the way we thought it would.
For one, he is afraid that once we have sex, he will realize that he is a bottom. This is a BIG fear of mine too, cuz although I have yet to have a dick in my ass, I KNOW that I want to be the receiver. Paul asked how I know and I couldn't explain it coherently, except to say that when I jerk off and think about having sex, I am always getting it in the ass.
Paul seems to think that he is versatile. He wants to give and receive. He also seems to think that I am going to love sticking it in and will eventually become a top and bottom (versatile like him).
But that will never happen and I know it.
So the problem here lies in the fact that if we are both bottoms, all we will be able to do sexually is slam our asses against eachother.
Hmmmm....
This problem leads into MY biggest fear about our relationship...
I am so nervous that we are going to figure out that we are extremely intense best friends, but that that is as far as it will ever go.
How do you know the difference between love and sex? How do you know when the two just aren't working together in a beautiful cohesive manner?
Paul isn't as worried as I am about us figuring out that we are just friends.
He thinks that, mostly, because he is secure in how he feels about me.
I am secure in where our relationship is now.
But that is about it.
I can't predict the future or how our lives will be after sex.
S:Dhjif :LKSDJ F:SDKLHJGDL:KH!!!!!!!!
I have no idea. Everything is changing around me and I can't control any of it. I have major control issues and I am finding that as life goes on, there are fewer and fewer things in my life that I have control over.
I hate curve balls.
I hate anything I don't understand.
I hate not being able to live my life the way I want to live it. I guess I am going to have to learn how to deal with this.
But I am not ready.
Not yet.
What do I want?
I want my friends to be chill.
I want my boyfriend to want me and love me the way I always thought my boyfriend would.
I want my parents to let me live my life at my own pace.
I want my brother to leave the ARMY.
I want to get my act together in all areas of my life, not just those that are work related.
I want to live a healthier existence.
And most of all...
I just want to be understood and in turn, be happy.
But really...is any of this possible?
Maybe?
Maybe.
I don't have to be back at the Gap until Sunday. I will be mourning the loss of my uncle until that day.
Man, I am a scumbag in it's truest form.
But a scumbag that doesn't have to work!
Every morning when I come in, my boss has to come out, prop himself on my desk and instigate some increasingly stupid bantar about how I must be so tired working two jobs and living the life of a 25 year old. He is rather annoying and if the bitch doesn't leave me alone soon, I swear I am going to blow. How many times can I tell him: "Yes, Teef, I am EXHAUSTED (even when I'm not) and so ready for the weekend." "Oh yes Teef, it's just one more week till Christmas. I know, I can't wait either."
Fucking snore!
Can you just stay in your office and act like a boss? Or at least like a guy who has some sort of work to do?
Next topic...
Paul has been living here for exactly 10 days now. In those 10 days, we have "hooked up" once; the night he got here.
It's starting to worry me a bit.
Yes, I am gone most of the time, at one job or another, but is this really the reason why we aren't physical with eachother?
Over the last week I seem to have developed a horrible body image.
See, while Paul doesn't have the body that I desire, I CERTAINLY do not have the body he desires, and it is becoming increasingly more obvious to me.
He is nice to me and all and it's not like he calls me "blobby" or "fats Mcfats", but at the same time, his body is better than mine and suddenly I am feeling really horrible about the way I look naked. I am sure that I am doing this to myself.
I have a tendency to beat myself up over things that are totally inconsequential.
I don't know.
Either way, I feel shitty about the stomach, ass, and thighs issue.
Why don't I just grow a fucking vagina already?
I think it may be time for me to really start eating a bit healthier. Smaller portions, less grease, not late at night, etc.
I am 25 years old and I am tired of having a blah body. I want to have a hot body. I want to feel healthy and feel confident when I take my shirt off. These are things that everyone probably wants, but it's time for me to stop my complaining and just take care of it. Then maybe if I do, Paul will start to build up his bod a bit.
At least one can hope.
If not, I will body slam him.
Cuz by then I will be big and buff.
So I wonder why Paul and I haven't been affectionate. Last night the reason was because I was a fat ass.
Two days ago it was because he just didn't like me anymore.
Tomorrow it will probably be because I have black shoes with buckles on.
As I was falling asleep last night, I was thinking about how many guys I have hooked up with.
As we all know, I am a virgin when it comes to the anal penetration, but dick sucking...yikes.
I counted 8 different guys. There was one more guy, but I just played with his cock and balls a bit. :)
I keep saying that I don't want to commit to Paul completely because I need to experience other guys.
But really? Aren't 8 dicks in my mouth enough? Isn't it time for me to TRY to block out all of my other sexual conquests?
I am confused. When you are in love, are you to never have other thoughts?
No, that's foolish.
Of course you have other thoughts.
But should you go looking and pursuing these other thoughts?
Cuz I do and usually on a daily basis.
When is it all going to click?
On Tuesday night, when Paul and I were having our "serious talks", one of the biggest topics we discussed was our fear of this relationship not working out the way we thought it would.
For one, he is afraid that once we have sex, he will realize that he is a bottom. This is a BIG fear of mine too, cuz although I have yet to have a dick in my ass, I KNOW that I want to be the receiver. Paul asked how I know and I couldn't explain it coherently, except to say that when I jerk off and think about having sex, I am always getting it in the ass.
Paul seems to think that he is versatile. He wants to give and receive. He also seems to think that I am going to love sticking it in and will eventually become a top and bottom (versatile like him).
But that will never happen and I know it.
So the problem here lies in the fact that if we are both bottoms, all we will be able to do sexually is slam our asses against eachother.
Hmmmm....
This problem leads into MY biggest fear about our relationship...
I am so nervous that we are going to figure out that we are extremely intense best friends, but that that is as far as it will ever go.
How do you know the difference between love and sex? How do you know when the two just aren't working together in a beautiful cohesive manner?
Paul isn't as worried as I am about us figuring out that we are just friends.
He thinks that, mostly, because he is secure in how he feels about me.
I am secure in where our relationship is now.
But that is about it.
I can't predict the future or how our lives will be after sex.
S:Dhjif :LKSDJ F:SDKLHJGDL:KH!!!!!!!!
I have no idea. Everything is changing around me and I can't control any of it. I have major control issues and I am finding that as life goes on, there are fewer and fewer things in my life that I have control over.
I hate curve balls.
I hate anything I don't understand.
I hate not being able to live my life the way I want to live it. I guess I am going to have to learn how to deal with this.
But I am not ready.
Not yet.
What do I want?
I want my friends to be chill.
I want my boyfriend to want me and love me the way I always thought my boyfriend would.
I want my parents to let me live my life at my own pace.
I want my brother to leave the ARMY.
I want to get my act together in all areas of my life, not just those that are work related.
I want to live a healthier existence.
And most of all...
I just want to be understood and in turn, be happy.
But really...is any of this possible?
Maybe?
Maybe.
